The Misadventures of Mai Uchiha
by UltimateCockBlocker
Summary: Self-Insert!OC His older sister, Her younger brother...I genuinely suck at summaries...What era is she born into? read to find out! Her family? read to find out! Rated T for language!
1. Chapter 1

I screa-_wailed_.

My limbs uselessly, _uncontrollably_, flailed as I tried to escape the _-what I guessed to be-_ many hands that smothered my being. After many attempts (all of which proved to be futile) I was unexpectedly drained of any form of energy-!

'_What the-!'_ I thought, hands itching to rip the cloth enveloping me almost like a cocoon.

I was moved around in the hands of these giants and was finally prepared to sleep when some soft plush, _thing_, was smushed against my face.

'_Oppai, oppai, oppai! Gotta' get me some oppai!'_ I thought, suddenly recognising the soft mound.

I, _tried_, to rip my mouth away from the horrible taste, the thing in question currently forcing its way back into my mouth.

'_N-NO! Cows taste better! GET THAT SOUR BOOB AWAY FROM ME!'_ I thought, tears welling up in the corner of my eyes as I tried (and _failed_) to raise my hands in a pathetic attempt to push away from the intruding flesh.

I struggled for a few more seconds, my head flopping around a bit as I attempted to move away.

'_Death by boobs…..not a bad way to go…'_ I thought, succumbing to the suffocating tortu-!

'_I can breathe through my nose'_ I thought, sniffling a few times, I cleared up my alternative air supply and things became clearer as I could breathe again.

I'm assuming it was the same person with their boob in my mouth that started rocking me as I (was forced) fed.

'_Why is everything so da- oh, right...'_ I questioned, realising the darkness came from my closed eyes.

My eyes shuffled behind the lids as if testing their functionality before jumping in literally blind to wherever I wa-!

'_Where AM I…?'_ I mused, eyes fluttering open then immediately shutting at the stark difference of white (compared to the previous black I was used to) littering the room or place thingy wherever I was.

Cautiously, I blinked, slowly expanding my eyelids I was met with a pair of ironically onyx orbs.

"Hello, Mai-chan" The-_she_ cooed, detaching herself from my face.

She wiped my face with the blanket that I was covered in and proceeded to coo at me and nuzzle her nose with mine.

'_Jesus. Not this shit again' _I whined, a bit of drool dripped down my chin as I tried to protest her cooing at me.

'_I'm a fucking baby'_

* * *

><p>The actual realisation of being a baby didn't really take me that long to figure out. I mean, going from a <em>frickin' 27 year old grown woman<em>, to a new-born…oh, how_ ever_ could I know the difference!

It was annoying however, to have to learn, _everything_, all over again. _Yay_…

It still didn't solve the fact of where the hell I was, I mean, for all I knew I could be in a world war or somethin'. (Oh the irony)

I huffed and tried to shuffle and turn on my other side from where I lay in my crib.

'_This is boring'_ I moaned, legs flailing around.

In a desperate attempt to amuse myself, I stared at the blank ceiling above me and tried to think of what had actually happened before I supposedly died. (If my reincarnated body of a stupid ass baby meant anything)

'_The last thing I remember was getting run over'_ I thought, my brows awkwardly scrunching.

'_Pft! I didn't try to save some grandma…..I just dropped my manga in the road….' _I nodded, the scene playing out in my head.

'_I knew that shit would kill me somehow'_ I mused, flickers of images and characters flittered through my brain as I briefly remembered the content of said manga.

Before I could get any further in my musing, I heard the door slide open and curiously watched as a man waltzed in like he owned the place.

"Hello, Mai" he said, staring down at my gurgling face.

His hands wrapped themselves around my torso as he heaved me out of the crib.

'_N-NO! STRANGER DANGER!'_ I screamed, more drool dripped down my chin as I tried to protest.

His arms sat snug beneath my armpits, his face scrutinising my miniscule form as he dangled me in front of him.

'_O-Oi! You shouldn't just dangle a baby like that!_' I scolded, eyes blinking owlishly as they tried to glare beyond their years.

"Hmm…" he said, promptly plopping me back in my crib.

I sat there for a few seconds before I tumbled to the side.

'_What the hell…?'_ I thought looking up at him in bewilderment as he just nodded his head at me.

I blanched.

'_What's that supposed to mean…?'_ I deadpanned.

He ran a tired hand over his face before cautiously crouching down so he was eye level with the top of my crib.

"Tou-sama" He stressed, pointing a fore finger towards his chest.

I raised a not-yet-existent-eyebrow at him.

He continued;

"Tajima-sama, _Tou-sama_" he emphasised.

_Choked gurgle._

'_D-Did he just say Tou-sama? Isn't that Japanese?'_ I pondered, looking at him incredulously as my inner weeaboo decided to surface from many shameful years ago.

He lightly poked my chest with his forefinger and it took all the power I could muster not to topple over.

"_Mai_" he said, finger pointing in my direction.

I blinked.

'_I already knew that….idiot' _I tut, annoyed at my lack of ability to communicate.

He stood up from his crouched down position and coughed as if to further grasp my attention.

"I will be visiting you again, tomorrow" He stated, face stoic as he sharply turned around and walked towards the door.

I fell on my side, eyes peering through the bars of the crib as I watched his faring being.

My eyes drooped, body obviously not used to staying awake for so long.

I allowed my eyes to flutter closed, but not before they say the wretched symbol embedded onto the back of his shirt.

'_Kami-sama, you sneaky little shit'_

_._

_._

_._

'_Speaking of shit, I need changing'_

* * *

><p><em>AN: OHOHOHOHO NEW STORY! I'm actually really excited on where this story will take me! I've seen so many authors use this plot and I thought 'Why not?' and BAM! HERE YOU HAVE IT! MY FIRST SELF-INSERT OC THINGY MAJIGGY! please tell me what you think so far...? I would love to hear some feedback! _


	2. Chapter 2

'_Well, isn't this dandy?' _I snarked, internally fuming from my laying down position.

_'What kind of shitty- ok, ew, crappy...still ew, rubbish, (There we go!) changing mat is this..?' _I sighed, back itching at the fabric.

The fabric in question, was made of some kinda tree bark...(Just joking! What, this is the clan heads home, do you really think that they'd be so hobbo-ish to use tree bark? Their economy isn't that bad!)..ok, seriously now. It was a mix of plastic and wool. Yeah, _I know_, "But, _Mai_! They're two different fabrics!" Alright. That's the only way i can describe it! It's itchy like wool (anyone get me?) but hard and semi-flexible like plastic.

I mentally sighed and looked up at the idiot who placed me on it.

His fingers were blatantly shaking, despite the 'tough guy' expression he slapped on.

_'Who is this guy tryna' fool- right, i'm a baby. I shouldn't know shit like this-'_

Sweat started to pour down his face, as if he knew I was staring at him, and indeed I was. With the most judgemental, annoyed expression, this baby-ass could muster, I directed its power towards the _real_ fool just as he carefully peeled back my paper _potty._

_'-It's such a shame that I do!'_ I cackled, finishing my earlier train of thought.

His face resembled every fathers who changed nappies. Confused and freaked out as _fuck_. His eyes were as wide as saucers, mouth opened and shaped in a small 'o'.

_'The great leader of the oh-so-mighty Uchiha clan, is changing my diaper. Way to go Mai! You certainly know how to make people your bitches.' _I inwardly cackled, mentally saving this moment to later use it as blackmail.

I saw him wrinkle his nose in disgust, my own face doing the same as i questioned whether it was the smell or appearance of it that caused him to do so.

"Oh, Kami-sama, why have you blessed me with such a shitty child. _Literally,_" He crie_-_

_'Wait, what..?' _I blinked_._

My eyes stared up at him, narrowing ever so slightly as i tried to suss him out.

_'This guy...'_ I thought feeling a migraine coming on-

"Oh, _Mai-chan!_" He wailed, the nasty diaper incident forgotten about as he swiftly scooped me up in all my baby-powder-smellin'-glory.

"Daddy loves you, oh _yes_ he does!"

_'Who are you and what have you done with my father.'_

* * *

><p>Much to my dismay, this <em>weirdo <em>(Who was currently glowing at me as he cradled me in his arms. Repetitively _cooing_ at me) was actually one and the same person.

This guy, was in fact _Tajima_ _Uchiha_. The leader of the fearsome yet arrogant clan of Uchiha. Madara's _father_, husband to Haruna Uchiha, the only female in existent to have gained the _sharingshit_. (Yeah, i know what you're thinking. I'm totally gonna be one of those OC's who are seriously OP, aren't you? Well, let me tell you, being a ninja sounds like a lot of hard work and energy i don't want. I totally should've been reborn as a Nara, mate)

Yes, _this_ guy, the same one who i had wrapped around my baby-ass finger, this _annoyingly_ loving guy, was one and the _same_ person.

_'I certainly have my work cut out for me, what joy'_ I drawled, absolutely ecstatic at what the future held for me; An idiotic father who may or, (_Highly_ doubt it) may _not_, force me to work my ass off because he's Clan head and, whatever other bullshit he threw my way.

_'Nope. Nada. Fuck that. I'll just run away and start my own clan. I can see it now - Mai Nara; Clan hea- whoops, can't do that, copyright and shit (Wasn't it Plagiarism?). Time for plan B then. Starting the same as my last idea, i'll run away and start my own clan, disown some of my slightly incestuously born kids (Hey! they were like 3rd cousins!), get over thrown by my twisted council, lead a life full of crime, and hope to kami that my son doesn't come after me for my Sharingsh- I plagiarised again. Shit.' _

Coming out of my thoughts, I was still being bombarded by Mr. rainbows and fuckin' unicorns over here, so, having enough of his shit, I promptly fell asleep on him...purposely. _Pft_, he didn't need to know that (wouldn't want another onslaught of tears, now would we?).

When i fell asleep, i expected to dream of rainbows and shitty unicorns.

I don't know who signed me up for this other shit but, i _really_ didn't appreciate it.

* * *

><p>"What the hell am i supposed to do?" I sulked, eyes roaming around the vast waste land.<p>

_Okay_, it wasn't a waste land with toxins and shit, alright. I was _exaggerating_ to be totally honest, all it really was, was a big-ass blank space of white, literally.

"This place is blinding me. I was hoping to come across a hot piece of ass..(this _is_ my head we're talking about. I _fully _expected one to turn up and strip for me)." I complained, dragging myself up off of the floor (or was it the ceiling? _Everything_ looked the _same_).

Upon discovering that i could in fact stand up, i went _cray cray_.

"Where's my cute little baby body?!" I freaked, hands flailing around as they tried to _grip_ onto the situation. (See what i did there? Huehuehue).

I looked down at my hands and noticed they look scarred and tanner than i was used to.

"Aw hell. Uchiha's have _pale_ skin, don't they? Oh, don't look at me like that, I ain't no wikipedia, yeah!" I huffed, crossing my long arms.

Quickly growing bored, I decided to further investigate myself and looked down. Once doing so, I noticed I was infact, barefoot with my legs clad in inky ripped jeans.

"What...?"

I pinched, slapped, and flicked my thighs, making sure that what i was seeing was _real_.

"Woah, i'm back in my original body? How did that hap-!" I exclaimed, only to be interrupted by a piss-your-pants kinda voice.

"-You sent the wrong person, _baka_! What did you look for? _Idiotic_ instead of intelligent?!"

I promptly shat myself at the voice. (And trust me the feeling is different to if i was wearing a _nappy._)

"WHO'S THERE?! _HUH?! _ANSWER ME, YOU MIND INVADERS!" I shouted, shaking my left fist at them while my other hand lay of my hip.

_Again_, I was ignored, further adding to me faux anger. I was actually quite excited, to be totally honest. (I was _bored_ before, _anything_ is exciting right now).

"Ow! 'Nii-chan! That hurt!" A younger voice cried. (It honestly sounded like they were cradling their head).

"And who's fault is that?!"

"Yours!"

"...!"

"'Nii-chan! I thought you loved me!"

"Well, you thought wrong!"

"I'm telling momma!"

"..."

"..?"

"I'm sorry, imouto"

"And, _SCENE_!" I clapped, tears bunched up at the corner of my eyes at the heart-warming scene.

(Well, sound-noise shit. Also, I wasn't sure if you could notice my earlier sarcasm?)

_Silence_ echoed throughout the whiteness.

Dare i think i even _breathed_.

"I think now would be a good time to explain things?" I asked, slightly wary on who these people were.

(Again, this _is_ my head we're talking about. They could equally turn out to be some sort of deformed cats with wings and horns).

_Juuust_ when I finished my sentence, two figures appeared in front of me.

"GAH!" I shrieked, shoulders tensing at the sudden intrusion, before I let out a small breath and intently scanned them.

Staring at them for a couple of seconds, I noticed one significant difference between the two of them; One appeared to be tall (About 5'10" i'd say? only, my_ original _height (before shit hit the fan), was 5'8") with broad shoulders, while the other was drastically shorter (4'11"?) both donning black cloaks. (Let the cliché's do their shit).

"Uh, who are yo-!" I attempted to ask.

A _fist_ landed on my head.

The taller one (who I suspected to of landed the hit) dusted their knuckle by wiping it on their cloak. (Genius..I tell ya', I could give Einstein a run for his money).

"Ow! Hey!" I complained, not one to like being hit.

I glared into the darkness of their hood, where i _guessed_ their head to be.

"What's your problem, yeah?!" I fumed.

"Kami-sama, is _not_ a little shit"

Well, _fuck_.


End file.
